Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
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So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.