Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
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at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Jupiter
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.