For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
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“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
The honesty is refreshing
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
repaired
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.