i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I’m a bad influence on myself.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.