Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Rooting for the overdog
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.