Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I unironically love this joke.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Don’t talk down to me
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.