“i miss shittin on people”
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I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Haha good job!!
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.