*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
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PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.