It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
the best thing i’ve ever made
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?