10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
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I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
584.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Goat cheese is for herders.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything