Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
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Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
🤣✨#caturday
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen