I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
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I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Woke up against my better judgment again
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase