girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?