Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
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I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.