it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
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DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Very problematic
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.