I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
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Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.