Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
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Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
No, he would not have.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano