Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
You Might Also Like
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I bet birds love this building.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.