*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”