My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
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Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Battery falling down a hole
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.