accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Okay
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down