coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
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Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up