Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
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Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!