I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
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[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I like crazy people until they notice me
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.