cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
You Might Also Like
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Imma just leave this here…………
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management