What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
bias laundering edition
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism