If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
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the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast