I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
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Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Google Pay be like:
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Planet of the Apps.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.