Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
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ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
A French press is when you hug naked
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I saw nothing
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea