Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
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You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
🤣
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.