Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
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What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.