Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
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Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Good morning, Twitter 😊
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Harsh but fair
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
This meal prepping shit easy
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*