Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
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I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.