Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
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mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
For the orator and chef in all of us
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I want to meet the individual who made this
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
That time Alicia messaged me
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
is this store having a stroke wtf
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.