why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.