My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
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My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog