Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
You Might Also Like
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Don’t touch that.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it