my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
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H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]