VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian