A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
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[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
*pronounces UPS like yoops
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
got so much cardio in today
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.