overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
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My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!