The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners