I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
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Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
How it started How it’s going
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*