*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay