Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
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The three genders
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing