His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
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Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
and this one
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?