I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike