7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
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Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Challenge accepted.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.