dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
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Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.