Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?